Guess who's bizzack and NHL All-Star

I was gone and now I'm back.

These past few months have been busy. First LeBron James was having some confidence issues so I had to help him out. I told him to let his feelings out on Twitter more, you know, some internet therapy. Then Sidney Crosby was in a slump and needed some tips to get his points up, so I told him to stop slacking off and work on his game more. Then Brett Favre and I had a heart-to-heart about whether he should retire again. My short answer was: yes; long answer: For God sakes, yes.

Now that all of that drama is out of the way, it's time to talk NHL All-Star! I'm pumped. Double fist-pump pumped.

On January 28-30 in Raleigh, North Carolina, the NHL will be going old skewl. Players will get to choose their own teams which means (insert dramatic pause)... someone will get picked last. I heard a rumour that the lucky player will get a novelty t-shirt (see below), but I have absolutely nothing to back up that rumour I just made up.

The 42-man roster was officially announced yesterday which includes 24 Forwards, 12 Defensemen and 6 Goalies. There are also 12 Rookies chosen who will only be participating in a skills challenge, so they are not included in the main roster. Here's who we've got, by team, and in a sweet chart (thank you grade 11 computer class):

I'll give you a minute to look it over..

The teams that don't have a player representing them on the 42-man roster are being represented by their Rookies, so kudos to those kids. They're allllllll right.

"Tell us how it works, Jazz." Alright. Let's break it down:

- There will be two teams. Boom. Easy.

- Each team will have one captain and two alternate captains, so three leaders, and perhaps a hockey coup where one alternate captain schemes to take over the top position. But probably not. The leaders will be chosen by the players, so we'll see who wins the popularity contest. If you bribed me with a steak dinner you'd get my vote.

- Then there will be an 18 round draft where the trio will collaborate to choose a player -- yep, just like gym class.

- The rules of the draft are: all goalies must be chosen by the 10th round, all defensemen must be chosen by the 15th round. So, by using simple logic we come to the conclusion that the last man standing will be a forward.

So who will the last one be? Will it be David Backes? I don't know. But I have a 1/24 chance of being right so that's who I choose. And if my rumour is true - which it isn't - he'll be wearing this lovely number (tattoos optional):

The aughts and the aught-nots: NHL draft-ees from 2000-2009

Pumped for the upcoming NHL season? Samesies.

Let's get nostalgic for a moment and look back at the first and last draft picks in the aught's, plus some extras, and see where they're at now and whether they lived up to their hype. Get comfortable, folks. *Spoiler alert: most of them did.

2000

#1: Rick DiPietro, Goalie, NY Islanders

Rico was drafted first overall in 2000 by the New York Islanders, the team he currently plays for. Last season he was the ranked 68th goalie overall in the league, and only played 8 games. His best record was in ‘06-’07 with a win-loss record of 32-19.

#293: Lauri Kinos, Defence, St.Louis Blues

In the same year, the St. Louis Blues drafted an unknown boy, aged 20 at the time, by the name of Lauri Kinos. He remains unknown since he didn’t play one year with the NHL.

2001

#1: Ilya Kovalchuk, Left Winger, Atlanta Thrashers

When young Ilya was still just a boy of 18 years, not even legal to drink yet, he was drafted first overall by the Atlanta Thrashers. He played with Hotlanta his entire career, until mid-way the ’09-’10 season where he was traded to the New Jersey Devils. With the Devils he will stay, having recently signed a 15-year, $100-million contract. The End.

#289: Henrik Bergfors, Defence, Tampa Bay Lightning

If he made it into the NHL his nickname would’ve been Smorgasbord. But he didn’t, so...

2002

#1: Rick Nash, Left Winger, Columbus Blue Jackets

Nasher was drafted by the Jacks first overall and still plays with them. He ranks 36th in the league for points. He’s also a Gemini.

#291: Jonathan Ericsson, Defence, Detroit Red Wings

Here we go, finally someone who’s shakin’ things up a little. Johnny E was drafted LAST overall by the Detroit Red Wings, the team he still plays for. (So far these guys are as loyal as dogs.) He’s been back and forth the last few years playing between the NHL and the AHL, but he sits at a cool 160th in points in the league.

2003

#1: Marc-Andre Fleury, Goalie, Pittsburgh Penguins

Oui, oui, Fleury, the goalie, for... okay I spent two minutes thinking of another rhyming word but couldn’t come up with anything. Rebounds was drafted first overall by Pittsburgh, yes the team he still plays for, blah blah blah. He’s 9th overall in the league for goalies.

#292: Arseny Bondarev, Left Winger, New Jersey Devils

This Russian didn’t play one game in the NHL.

BUT #291 in the 2003 draft did. Brian Elliott, goalie for the Ottawa Senators, was drafted this year and he currently sits 16th overall in the league for goalies. See kids? Alls you gotta do is stay in skewl and work hard.

Fun fact: #271, also known as Jaroslav Halak, former spit-fire goalie for the Montreal Canadiens (who drafted him) was drafted this same year, too. He just signed with the St Louis Blues. Did you know Halak is a Slovack? I love rhyme time.

Oooooo wee, this was a big year.

2004

#1: Alexander Ovechkin, Left Winger, Washington Capitals

Have you heard of this guy? Me neither. Apparently he still plays for the Caps and he sits in 3rd in the league overall, but I think it must be some mistake.

#291: John Carter, Centre, Philadelphia Flyers

Oh shit, John Carter! I can’t believe this guy was drafted last he’s so phenomenal!

2005

#1: Sidney Crosby, Centre, Pittsburgh Penguins

My homeboy, Crosby, not to be confused with Troy Crosby, the goalie who was drafted by Montreal in 1984 240th overall. It’s Sidney, not to be confused with Sidney Veysey, the centre who was drafted 182nd overall by Vancouver in 1975.

#230: Patric Hornqvist, Right Winger, Nashville Predators

Here’s another heroic story of a man who defied gravity and rose from the ashes of last place like a phoenix who something something. Drafted by the same team he plays for, Hornqy busted his butt and finally had his first NHL appearance two years ago. Go get ‘em!

Some notables of this year:

5th overall: Carey Price, Goalie, drafted by and still plays for the Montreal Canadiens

21st overall: Tuukka Rask, Goalie, drafted by the Toronto Maple Leafs and much to the chagrin of Toronto currently plays for Boston.

2006

#1: Erik Johnson, Defence, St Louis Blues

EJ was drafted first overall beating out Jordan Staal who was drafted second by Pittsburgh, and Jonathan Toews who was chosen third by Chicago. But who really has the last laugh? #2 and #3 have both won a Cup, so...

#213: Justin Krueger, Defence, Carolina Hurricaines

Krugsie never saw the big ice.

2007

#1: Patrick Kane, Right Winger, Chicago Blackhawks

Kaner, Big K, the Cabbie Killer. Still playing with the ‘Hawks, an ’09-’10 Stanley Cup champ at only 21-years old, and still playing with the ladies’ hearts.

#211: Trent Vogelhuber, Right Winger, Columbus Blue Jackets

Vogels hasn’t played in the NHL yet, but he’s still in skew (school).

2008

#1: Steven Stamkos, Centre, Tampa Bay Lightning

Stammy still plays for Tampa and he is killing it. He ranked 1st overall in the league for goals last year (well, tied at first with 2005 first overall draft pick, Sidney Crosby) and he is a ripe 20-years old. He was born in the 90’s (!).

#211: Jesper Samuelsson, Centre, Detroit Red Wings

Uh, he’s in Sweden right now.

2009

#1: John Tavares, Centre, NY Islanders

He had his first NHL experience last season with the Islanders, totaling 24 goals and 30 assists. Not bad for his first year. Not bad at all.

#211: Petteri Simila, Goalie, Montreal Canadiens

Alls I know is, he’s 6’6”, 189lbs, and is from Finland.

And finally, in case you care, here are the number 2's:

2000: Dany Heatley, Atlanta Thrashers

2001: Jason Spezza, Ottawa Senators

2002: Kari Lehtonon, Atlanta Thrashers

2003: Eric Staal, Centre, Carolina Hurricanes

2004: Evengi Malkin, Centre, Pittsburgh Penguins

2005: Bobby Ryan, Right Winger, Anaheim Ducks

2006: Jordan Staal, Centre, Pittsburgh Penguins

2007: James Van Riemsdyk, Left Winger, Philadelphia Flyers

2008: Drew Doughty, Defence, Los Angeles Kings

2009: Victor Hedman, Defence, Tampa Bay Lightning

Jose Canseco... that's right. Keep reading.

Update: Ho-say has had his panties in a twist and has been encouraging people to call him on his cell if "you have the balls." It was on Twitter so it's legit. Here is his cell number, forever saved on the internet, if you ever want to call him:

“@JoseCanseco: If you guys want to talk to me on the phone call me at 310 862 6309,find out what's really going on in basball”

I'm sure he'll talk baseball, too if you ask nice.

-----

I just got in from the Playa Hata's Ball last night, and all that hate made me think of Jose Canseco. Then I checked out his Twitter (@JoseCanseco), read some ridiculous tweets, and was inspired to write about him. Enough about me.

Canseco played in the major leagues for 16 years and spent most of his time with the Oakland A's, and in 2001 he ended his career with the Chi-city White Sox. He also played one year with the Toronto Blue Jays in 1998. Go Jays. He attempted a come back in 2004 but didn't get signed. Oh well. PS: His shirt in the picture above should say "Rangers," not "Angers," although both are acceptable. And do you see that vein popping out? Sick.

Overall, he has been chosen for the All-Star team 6 times, he's a two-time World Series champion (and a two-time divorcee... just sayin'), 4 time winner of the Silver Slugger award, AL MVP in 1988, AL Rookie of the Year in 1986, and AL Comeback Player of the Year in 1994. Yes, his comeback was over 10 years ago.

Okay, so why am I hating on him? In 2005, Jose published a book Juiced: wild times, rampant 'roids, smash hits, and how baseball got big. It's a wordy title, but that's not all. Inside the book are a lot of words, and a lot of names. Jose called out numerous players in the major leagues claiming they, like himself, used performance enhancing drugs including Mark McWire, Rafael Palmeiro, and Juan Gonzales (take note: you will need to remember these names in a minute). The guys he snitched on did use steroids, but that's not the point. That is just uncool, man.

Then, when you thought he couldn't do something stupider than that, he published another book in 2008 called Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball. Now, a quick English lesson for you: to vindicate yourself is to prove that what you did in the past was justified. Sure, Canseco revealed a sorry truth about baseball, making athletes think twice about using steroids. But 1. He is the reason why many athletes started using it in the first place (he introduced 'roids to trainers, coaches, players, and even stabbed them himself with the sweet, sweet juice), and 2. He snitched out even more names in baseball in this second book. Obviously A-Rod used steroids. But who is Canseco to release this information in a hardcover? Someone needed money. On an unrelated note, his two divorces cost him $7-million and $8-million respectively.

You may be thinking: who cares? That was years ago. Well my friends, thanks to Twitter Canseco is still relevant because we hear from him every day. Now that you've read the above, check out a few of my favourite tweets, unedited much to my irration, from the big man himself:

"Put guys like mark mcgwire,rafael palmeiro,sammy sosa.juan gonzales, in the hall of fame they are baseball,some of the greatest players ever" (Remember when I told you to remember those names? Ironic, isn't it?)

"What don't you guys get I don't use any roids"

"I want to teach you guys how to hit a baseball or softball 500 feet without the sue* of steroids"

*Freudian slip?

And my favourite tweet to sum it all up: "We all love baseball"

If you're interested in picking up a copy of either of his books, you can click here to buy Juiced, used copies starting at $0.85, and here for Vindicated.

Player Haters Ball: starring the Miami Heat

Everyone knows Miami is going to be an exciting team to watch this year -- but most of the people who will be watching basically hate them (pretty much everyone but Heat fans). On a scale of 1-10, Cleveland residents, and some others, hate the new Miami roster at around an 11-12. Allow me to explain:

Welcome to the second annual Player Haters Ball. Let's get right down to it boys and girls.

The nominees are: LeBron James. LBJ is nominated for leaving Akron, Ohio, the town where he was born and raised by his mama and his mama's mama, where he played in the NBA for the Cavaliers, but told them too bad so sad Imma go to Miami so I can win that sweet, sweet ring.

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Alright, alright. The next nominee is: Chris Bosh. Bosh is nominated for calling the cops on his drug-dealing neighbours, not because it was the right thing to do but just cause he was jealous of all the money they was makin'.

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

And the final nominee is: Dwayne Wade. D-Wade is nominated for bringing a bomb threat into Miami, for creating what some call a possible dynasty, and doing anything necessary to win a championship with no concern for the integrity of the game that is basketball.

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

And the winner of playa-hata of the year is: Lebron James.

Lebron: Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! Everywhere I've been, I've been the best playa. I love being a leader, and I love being the best.*

*actual LeBron quote.

Manny Pacquiao/Dos Pacquis: The Most Interesting Man in the World

There's a lot of talk about Manny Pacquiao (pronounced: pack-ee-ow) vs Floyd "Money" Mayweather Jr. Basically, Money Mayweather challenged Pacquiao to a boxing match but only if he agreed to get tested Olympic style ie. at random. At first, Pacquiao said no. Then months later (after he peed himself clean) he said yes, but now Money is saying no. So much drama. Anyway, who cares. It doesn't matter until they actually schedule a fight. On to more important things.

Being a contender for the 'Most Interesting Man in the World' is hard. Being chosen as the most interesting man is even harder. But Manny Pacquiao takes the prize. Here's why:

1. He is a professional boxer. His record is 51-3-2. Of his wins, 38 are by knockout. He grew up extremely poor and lived on the streets at 14-years old aka he's a legit fighter.

2. He's a politician. Seriously. In May, 2010, Manny was elected to the House of Representatives in the Phillipines. The people love him so much they want him to be President (look right). No one would hold up a sign like that if they didn't mean it.

3. He's Filipino (take that however you want), and is the first Filipino athlete to be featured on a postage stamp.

4. He's short. At a towering 5'6" he can still beat the shit out of you.

5. He's an actor. He used to star in a comedy sitcom in the Philippines called Show Me Da Manny which aired in 2009. He has since been replaced. It's about a guy (Manny) who owns a gym, but as fate would have it, a hot girl decides to open one up nearby, thus challenging his business. They fall in love, yadee-yadee-yada. If you want to watch a few episodes you can click here. I haven't watched any but I can say with certainty it's not funny.

5. He has his own clothing line through Nike called 'Pacman.' And yes, I'd wear one of his shirts.

6. His nicknames include Pacman, DosPacqui, and The Most Interesting Man in the World (I hope it catches on.)

7. He is a professional singer. To date, Manny has released two (!) albums. His latest was released in 2007 and is called Pac-Man Punch. I've decided to give you all a little treat for reading my blog. Check him out on Jimmy Kimmel Live singing his tough little heart out.

A special thank you to Dos Equis for sponsoring this blog.

Troy Polamalu: a millionHair

The hunk you see above has just insured his hair, which is almost 3-feet long, by Head and Shoulders for $1-million. It's dumb, but I get it. Women are attached to their hair. Troy Polamalu (safety for the Pittsburg Steelers) had to get coverage. Let's not forget the incident 4 years ago when Larry Johnson grabbed Polamalu by the hair for the tackle. Johnson will think twice now.

Here's a list of other idiots athletes who insured their body parts:

1. Brett Favre: Quarterback, Minnesota Vikings. If you haven't read his story a la Jersey Shore, check it out here first. I'll wait.

Back? Cool. Let's continue. This guido has insured his right arm for $22.8-million.

2. Wayne Rooney: Striker, Manchester United. This foul mouthed football player (the other kind of football) has insured his feet for over $500,000.

3. Venus Williams: Serena's sister, professional Tennis player. This Williams' sister has insured her wrists for up to $525,000.

4. Joba Chamberlain: Pitcher, New York Yankees. Another right arm, this time insured for a measly $5-million.

5. Cristiano Ronaldo: Winger/Forward, Real Madrid. His legs are insured for $144-million.

6. Merv Hughes: Right-arm Fast Bowler, Australian Cricket player (former). This may be more strange than Polamalu, but it is certainly more badass. He has his moustache insured for $370,000. BAM! Check out that 'stache!

Please comment on what body part you would insure.

Brett Favre: the guy in purple all over sports TV

Update: Brett Favre's weiner has been the talk of the town for months now, to find out why, check out Deadspin.com who exposed the story -- pun intented. Hint: he sent photos of his weiney to a former Jets cheerleader.

Everyone's talking about it. Not whether So You Think You Can Dance Canada will be as exciting as its American counterpart (for the record: it will), but about Brett Favre's return for a 20th season with the NFL, and a second season with the Minnesota Vikings. Fun fact: both Favre and SYTYCD involve shiny purple. And it's pronounced FAR-ve. Not Favre like the way it's spelled. Stupid, I know.

Here's the situation à la Jersey Shore.

Brett: Man, I don't wanna be an incredibly rich quarterback anymore. I just wanna go to the gym, tan, get my squeeze to do my laundry, and fist pump in the club all night. No more beating other people. I want to beat the beats. FTD boii.

Wifey: Like, I get that you want to do your thing and all, but like, how am I supposed to look fly day in day out unless you're bringing in stacks? I still love you though.

*Door bell rings*

Brett: It's my boys! What's up guys? Nice hair cuts. You boys are lookin' fresh (to death).

Pauly D Jared Allen: Hey man, ya FTD fa sho', FTD man.

Steve Hutchinson: We've been sent here for a reason B. Childress [side note: Childress is the Coach of the Vikings] sent us here to beg you to return. You've got to return. Return. You've got to return, man. The hot tub won't be the same without you.

Ryan Longwell: Ya man, the hot tub, the girls, the plays, the championship, just come back man. GTL with your boys one more year. You've psyched us all on retiring three times already. Just make it a fourth and come back. Go for an even 20 seasons.

Brett: You guys have given me a lot to think about, like the workouts, the girls, the hot tubs, the plays on and off the field, know what I'm sayin'! I'm going to schedule a press conference and make a big deal about it, letting everyone know that I'm coming back. None of that LeBron* shit though. I don't think they will expect that. And don't come back here again unless you're three shades darker. You guys need some Mississippi sun.

*Stay tuned to find out why everyone hates LeBron

fin

Hope that helps. Leave comments if anything was unclear.

Also, check out this video: 4 Random Brett Favre Stories

Okay, so you know he played basketball...

Here are the Top 5 things you need to know about Michael Jordan:

5. He starred in the movie Space Jam (yup, that's the guy I'm talking about.)
4. He's best known for playing with the Chicago Bulls, #23
3. He can't make up his mind and has retired from the NBA three times. Once in 1993 where he signed a minor league baseball contract; again in 1999; and a final retirement in 2003.
2. He is also known as His Airness, MJ, Air Jordan, and The Greatest Basketball Player of All Time
1. Jordan is currently the majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats

Other important things that didn't make the list:
- Nike had a hugely successful campaign designed after him. Remember the silhouette of the guy jumping? (See top of this blog). That's our man.


Donate 10 more seconds of your time and watch one of his dunks. Keep your eye on the red blur: